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Not the World Cup Special 1982

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Feb. 12th, 2009 | 09:47 pm

A three-page story from Not the World Cup: The Official Souvenir Brochure, Marvel Comics UK, 1982, with art by Barrie Mitchell.

As you can perhaps see, sports was not a topic that Moore was a natural at...

NTWC 1 Cover


NTWC 21


NTWC 22


NTWC 23


I am again indebted to Kumar Sivasubramanian for supplying me with the images for this from his vast and enviable collection of Mooreana. Thanks, Kumar.

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Comments {4}

Geoffrey D. Wessel

(no subject)

from: gdwessel
date: Feb. 22nd, 2009 05:43 am (UTC)
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Perhaps Moore can't do sports, but that IS an eerily accurate portrait of Kevin Keegan on the cover...

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Bryony Hermes Temple

(no subject)

from: rolando8
date: Mar. 6th, 2009 11:34 am (UTC)
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LOL! Funniest comic ever. Alan Moore should be a comedian!

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loopyjoe

"translation"

from: loopyjoe
date: Jul. 29th, 2015 03:25 am (UTC)
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For anyone having trouble reading the "foreign accent" bits, here's a "translation" of the dialogue. Thanks to Paul Evans for doing the work and for allowing me to post it here:

HELLO, TED DRINKPROBLEM HERE, BRINGING ALL YOU YOUNG HOPEFULLS OUT THERE ANOTHER IN MY FASCINATING SERIES OF STAR SOCCER TIPS.

MY GUEST TODAY IS THE CONTROVERSIAL STAR PLAYER OF THE REPUBLIC OF SANTA MAFIOSA, RICARDO DEL WOLVERINE. WHAT TIPS DO YOU HAVE FOR THE VIEWERS, RICARDO?

THANK YOU, TED.

MY FIRST TIP TODAY CONCERNS THE TECHNIQUE SO ESSENTIAL TO AN UNDERSTANDING OF MODERN DAY FOOTBALL: THE VISCIOUS FOUL.

MANY BEGINNERS ASSUME THAT IT IS BEST TO FOUL THE PERSON WHO HAS THE FOOTBALL. NOT SO, IT IS FAR BETTER TO CRIPPLE THE SMALLEST AND WEAKEST PLAYER, WHETHER HE HAS THE BALL OR NOT...

WHEN PICKING THE PLAYER, LOOK FOR THESE TELL-TALE SIGNS: FIRST, THE HACKING COUGH. SECOND, THE CRUTCHES. THIRD, AND MOST IMPORTANT, THE TURNED BACK.

IT IS VITAL TO DEVELOP ONE'S OWN INDIVIDUAL STYLE FOR ACCOMPLISHING THE PERFECT FOUL. MYSELF, I PREFER THE SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE FOUR-BY-TWO...

THE PROFESSIONAL FOULER WILL PLAN AHEAD. NOTICE THE NINE-INCH STILETTO IN THE SOCK IN CASE ONE IS UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE PICKED A PLAYER WITH A STEEL PLATE IN HIS HEAD.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLISH ENOUGH TO LEAVE THE PLAYER WITH NOTHING MORE SERIOUS THAN A MORTAL WOUND, PREPARE FOR STEP TWO: DISTRACTING THE REFEREE.

LOOK! IT IS ERIKA ROE!

AN OLD TRICK, BUT SURPRISINGLY USEFUL, NO? THIS WILL GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO FINISH OFF THE PLAYER WHILE THE REF IS NOT LOOKING AT YOU.

ERIKA ROE? WHERE?

IN THE TWELFTH AND THIRTEENTH ROW. YOU CANNOT MISS HER, MY FRIEND...

THIS TIME, LEAVE NOTHING TO CHANCE. I WOULD ADVISE THE USE OF AN HEAVY DUTY INDUSTRIAL ROCK-DRILL...

I STILL CAN'T SEE HER...

MY MISTAKE. IT IS NOT ERICA ROE. IT IS TWO BALD GENTLEMEN ON POGO STICKS...

...FOLLOWED THROUGH WITH THE EVER-DEPENDABLE LIGHT WEIGHT SUB-MACHINE GUN.

IT IS POSSIBLE, HOWEVER, THAT THE REFEREE WILL SEE THROUGH YOUR LITTLE DECEPTION. IN WHICH CASE YOU MUST GO ON TO STEP THREE...

...FEINING INJURY. IF YOU CAN AROUSE THE SYMPATHY OF THE REF IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE THAT HE WILL FORGET ABOUT YOUR LITTLE TRANSGRESSION...

EEK! AARGH! SHRIEK! SCREAM MOAN! WHIMPER!

...BUT DO NOT OVERDO IT! YOU MUST NOT AWAKEN HIS SUSPICIONS BY GOING, HOW YOU SAY, OVER THE TOP'...

...

Edited at 2015-07-29 03:53 am (UTC)

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loopyjoe

"translation" continuation

from: loopyjoe
date: Jul. 29th, 2015 03:27 am (UTC)
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...

I FIND IT IS USUALLY SUFFICIENT TO HAVE THE PITCH INVADED BY YOUR MOTHER, WIFE AND CHILDREN, ALONG WITH A PRIEST FOR THE LAST RITES...

MY BABY! MY BABY!

POPPA! -SNUK!-

IF THIS DOES NOT MOVE THE REFEREE TO TEARS HE IS AN UNFEELING BRUTE. OFFER HIM A TENNER AND HOPE HE WILL FORGET THE ENTIRE INCIDENT!

BUT WITH ALL THIS TALK OF FOULS LET US NOT FORGET WHAT THE GAME OF FOOTBALL IS ALL ABOUT, EH? IT IS OF COURSE ABOUT MAKING MONEY...

I HAVE A FAVOURITE MANOUVRE WHICH I DEMONSTRATE HERE. GAINING CONTROL OF THE BALL I DRIBBLE WITH BLINDING SPEED ACROSS THE PITCH...

I DRIBBLE UP AND I DRIBBLE DOWN. I AM WEAVING FROM LEFT TO RIGHT. I DRIBBLE OVER AND UNDER. I DRIBBLE FORWARD AND I DRIBBLE BACK...

I MOVE SO FAST I LEAVE THE TRAIL OF SCORCHED TURF BEHIND ME WHEREVER I GO. I AM LIKE THE GREASY LIGHTNING, NO?

AS YOU WILL OBSERVE, THIS IS A SURE-FIRE WAY TO MAKE MONEY, PROVIDING YOU HAVE SIGNED A CONTRACT BEFORE THE GAME...

-PUFF PUFF- -PUFF- -WHEEZE-

ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE MONEY IS TO ARRANGE A CASH BONUS ON GOAL SCORING. UNFORTUNATELY THIS MEANS THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO PLAY SOME FOOTBALL.

BUT DO NOT DESPAIR! I HAVE CONSTRUCTED A SIMPLE METHOD OF ATTACK WHICH MAKES GOALS A CERTAINTY. FIRST, YOU THUNDER DOWN THE PITCH...

DO NOT BE TEMPTED BY AN "EASY SHOT". WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE LESS THAN THREE FEET AWAY FROM THE GOAL KEEPER...

THEN SHOW HIM THE POLAROID PHOTO OF HIS FAMILY WHICH YOU HAVE TAKEN EARLIER THAT DAY.

THIS METHOD AVOIDS UNNECESSARY VIOLENCE OR FOOTBALL PLAYING. SIMPLY ASK HIM TO MOVE OUT OF THE WAY...

IF HE KNOWS WHAT IS GOOD FOR HIM, HE WILL DO AS YOU SAY.

-SOB-

BINGO! IT IS IN THE BACK OF THE NET! YOU ARE OVER THE MOON, WHILE HE IS AS SICK AS THE PARROT!

NOW IS THE MOMENT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR...FINALLY, YOU CAN KISS EVERYBODY ON YOUR TEAM!

BUT DO NOT BE DECEIVED! IF DONE PROPERLY, THIS IS THE MOST DIFFICULT BIT OF ALL. DO YOU MIND IF I DEMONSTRATE, TED?

UH...NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT. GO AHEAD RICARDO...

VERY WELL! REMEMBER THAT KISSING IS A FINE ART IN ITSELF! DO NOT RUSH INTO IT. FIRST, BUY YOUR TEAMMATE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND TAKE HIM TO THE PICTURES...

THEN, STARTING WITH THE FINGERTIPS, KISS HIM ALL THE WAY ALONG HIS ARM.

HA, HA, ER RICARDO...

NEXT, NIBBLE HIS EARLOBE WHILE SOFTLY HUMMING A ROMANTIC BALLAD BY THE VERY POPULAR BARRY MANILOW...

FEELINGS...OH, OH, OH, OH, FEELINGS...

RICARDO FOR GOD'S SAKE...

QUICK! GET THE DART GUN!

NEXT, THROW HIM MASTERFULLY TO THE GROUND! LET THE TWO OF YOU BE CARRIED AWAY ON A SURGING TIDE OF PASSION! RIP OFF YOUR SHIRT LIKE SO!

RIP OFF HIS SHIRT WHY NOT? NOW, MY LITTLE ENGLISH FLOWER...

RICARDO!

THE CREDITS ROLL THE CREDITS!

SHARK NETS SOMEBODY FETCH THE SHARK NETS!

RICARDO!

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